its been forever since i've written so here we go with a list of whats going on in my life:

LIVING ON MY OWN: so as of late march...i've been living with my sister...my mom FINALLY moved back to kentucky...but its bittersweet...she moved while im going through soo much.

IM PREGNANT: so sean...idk if i've mentioned him before...so i'll give a backstory in a nutshell. we work together...hooked up...and im knocked up. daddy doesnt want any part in this and is too busy with his new girlfriend to even text me to see how im doing...needless to say with my insane situation, i've decided that adoption is the best choice. as of this past thursday (june 10, 2010) im 20 weeks...hopefully soon i'll find out the gender..

SCHOOL: its been 2 years since i've been out of school now...and i still dont know what to do. i KNOW that i wanna go back to school...but im at a fork in the road when it comes to what i really want to do. i dont wanna go to school for one thing and realize after graduation that i've wasted time and money on something i dont enjoy. so here are my choices. go to school for nursing, and eventually get into oncology...or...cosmetology school, learn the basics, then go to school for makeup art, which would be geared more for film... its not like they're even similar...so who knows.

RELATIONSHIP DRAMA: i met this guy ronny almost a year ago...we've been "dating" casually for 2 months now...and im extremely attracted...but there's more. 2 months ago i also met this guy bradford...who is absolutely amazing...and im also extremely attracted to...here's where it gets complicated. ronny (24) is the crazy, fun loving side of me...who likes having a good time, rolls with the punches and is laid back...im so attracted to him its rediculous...the only downside is that he's not working right now...and doesnt really have a game plan as far as his life goes...which bothers me. then there's bradford (27)he's the southern gentleman all the way. he's sweet and kind, he's the kind of guy you want as your best friend because you know he's always gonna be there. he's my more serious side...he's graduated from college, has his degree, and has a good job...he's motivated and passionate about everything he loves...BUT...he has a past that i cant help but worry about...he struggled with a severe heroin addiction that almost took his life. he's gone through rehab programs and has turned his life over to god...but i cant help but be scared. i dont know what i should do...because im falling for both of them...but i dont know what to do. ugh.

right now my life sucks...im moody, confused, and tormented...pray for me.

-kathleen-

i've lived in california for five months now, and we havent been able to find a church that we can call home; until this past week. i've been to Angelus Temple twice, but i can already tell that what i've experienced might just be a calling for me to do more than go to church, and try to practice what they preach. i've made my share of mistakes...thats evident. right now im faced with the conciquences of my last mistake. but after i go to court on thursday, i want to start making changes in my life. i want goals, dreams and aspirations. seeing what the church and their ministry has done for the area makes me want to be a part of it.

Angelus Temple is the corisponding church for the DreamCenter. the church bought an old hospital, renovated it, and now it is the home for hundreds of people living for God. in the dream center they have over 200 ministries, some of which help the homeless, those struggling with addiction, and those who just want to make a change through masters comission, and various ministires. i want to be a part of that. i want to make a change in peoples lives. but most of all i want a change in my life, i want to do things that im proud of. i want to make my family proud, and most of all i want God to be proud of the work im doing.

please keep me in your prayers as i make these changes in my life, and try to be the change in others lives.

-kathleen

What can i say...i dont have good luck with guys. They always seem to have strings attached...Jeremy, turns out he was cheating on me...Dallas...well he liked my sister...and now Marcel. He's sweet, and rude all at the same time...he's annoyingly funny to the point where i cant stand to be around him. He surprises me with the cutest gestures...and he's always affectionate. Sounds perfect right? HA i wish...right when i think things might just be going my way...i talk to Courtney...this girl we both used to work with. She asked how work was goin without her...and then the subject quickly changed to Marcel...asking if he had been hitting on me...if i've kissed him yet...both answers were yes. Well she let me in on a little secret she found out...the house he just bought...is shared by his girlfriend. i didnt say anything to him at first...because i wanted him to come out and tell me on his own...but i guess i should know better than that...guys dont do anything they arent forced to do. So i finally bit the bullet...and sucked it up and asked...turns out Courtney was right. When i asked for...more details he told me it was complicated and he didnt want to tell me over the phone (( we were texting at the time )) and that he'd rather talk over coffee. i agreed...and that was that. So 2 days later...im on my lunch at work...around 9...and there he is. So we went for a walk...and the first thing he said...was so you really wanna know what makes it so complicated...to sum it all up...he loves her...but isnt in love with her...and the feelings mutual. they are together because its like parents who stay together for their kids...only their kid is the house they bought together. it sucks to know that i could have him...but the fact that he cant grow the balls to break up with his gf...it really sucks. So i told him how i feel...i told him i cant deal with drama...i dont want to deal with drama...and idk if i want to be apart of that if he's not gonna step up and take responsibility. i told him that if he doesnt break it off with her sooner or later he never will...because once you fall out of love...you just get comfortable with the way things are...and he'll be stuck...and that if he ever wants things to change...he has to be pro-active and make a choice. So lets skip a week...which put us at...today. i had to be at work at 5am...and Marcel knew this. So im walking down the sidewalk from my apartment...and there he is...cigarette and coffee in hand. This is basically how i picture him when i think of him...his 2 worst addictions. it was cute...but he could tell i wasnt sure what to think about him...and that i was mad. Which in turn made me feel bad because i could see it in his eyes...and i dont like to see anyone like that. But that didnt change him this morning. We sat outside...even though it was cold...and he ((without me saying anything)) noticed i was freezing...so he held me and just kinda rubbed my arms so they would be warm...i hate how much im attracted to him... and i hate how he makes me feel. I hate how everything he does and says i remember...but most of all i hate how much i love him.